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Employing a chronological structure in your essay helps the reader understand the evolution of your ideas.Overall, my editing sought to refine your descriptions in order to make your essay even more captivating and convincing.This experience has solidified my interest in alternative treatments, and I cannot imagine a more fulfilling and compassionate way to spend my life than by promoting the wellness of others.“Essay Edge is wonderful!
Despite my urging that she investigate wellness-based treatment, my mother reacted to her illness in the same way her parents had reacted to theirs: by ignoring it.
A few more years passed, and she developed fibromyalgia.
Her edits added much color and a great flow to my essay.
I loved the way she articulated my ideas so masterfully. I am definitely going to seek her services as I work on my secondaries.”Dear Jane, I read your essay with great interest.
When I went to college and became ill again, I decided that it was time for me to try something new.
I turned to my paternal grandparents for advice, asking my grandmother about herbal treatments, nutrition, and lifestyle.Here is my suggestion for an alternative introduction:“My reticence regarding traditional medicine does not result from want of experience–indeed, I have spent so much time in hospitals during my life that I am all too familiar with traditional treatments.Born with various congenital defects, my life has been a blur of cardiac, thoracic, and gastrointestinal surgeries, and by the age of five, I was as familiar with taking medication as I was with eating cornflakes.”This new introduction is short and concise, but also quite compelling.Spending many hours by his side, I have seen how the combination of oriental medicine with traditional Western pharmaceuticals has worked wonders in helping him maintain his vitality.Spending time with him in the hospital, I have massaged his muscles to relieve myalgias and provided him with the moral support that is crucial to effective recovery.Unfortunately, such knowledge did not come to my mother.A few years after my medical epiphany, she was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease of unknown etiology.It is clear that you have experienced a great deal and that you have developed unique insights into health and illness.Despite the concern you expressed about your lack of experience with alternative treatments, I feel that you have something that is much more important–the insight and wisdom that will allow you to become a compassionate healer. The most important changes I made were tightening up your language, removing unnecessary passages, and restructuring your essay to improve its flow.Without denying the substantial benefits I have derived from my treatments, I nonetheless believe that the maintenance of health depends as much upon the promotion of wellness as it does upon the combating of disease.This is a lesson I have learned from my paternal grandparents.